The rage felt by people with Borderline Personality Disorder is as little understood as it is talked about. It is something I personally feel very ashamed of, but by the same token I have accepted that it is as much a part of me as the colour of my hair.
Its very easy for those without the illness, or those in positions of psychiatric study and care to speculate on the causes of this ‘rage’, but believe me when I say its not so easy to live with. It is destructive and incredibly forceful. I was diagnosed with BPD many years ago after rattling around the psychiatric system for a long time, and I spent a longer time in denial about it, refusing to either accept the diagnosis or the stigma attached to it. The stigma of BPD is definitely too great to include here and would be better placed on another post, but today I want to talk about the absolute rage of BPD because today I have had a momentous meltdown.
The day didn’t start well, I feel tired. We have a neighbour who each weekend gets blind drunk, staggers home and plays music at a ridiculous level well into the early hours, which of course wakes both myself and my Husband. The neighbour is an issue, and I am angry about his lack of respect.
Next up, there is an ongoing issue with a family member, and believe me if I were to list the antics of this individual you would, I feel sure, agree with my feelings of anger. BUT, its the way in which I cannot control this anger which is the issue. Today I was already feeling frazzled, I told my Husband and asked that he understand I didn’t want to allow myself to be triggered today, in other words…I kinda knew it was coming. Just as a side issue, my Husband is wonderful and incredibly understanding and supportive.
It took one small mention of aforementioned family member, by an elderly relative for me to explode. I was off the charts angry, screaming, shouting, wishing all kinds of horrible things on the person I feel deserves them, banging and crashing around, crying…bordering on hysterical. When in the middle of these rages I cannot see, I have strange tunnel vision, my hearing goes and I feel like a volcano is erupting in my chest. I fear nothing and no-one, I am right and I WILL force my opinion on it to everyone, by whatever means necessary. I was only glad that today the family object of my rage wasn’t within a 10 mile radius or I dread to think where it would have gone.
BPD rage is a culmination of emotions that I cannot express properly, it may not be this way for all sufferers of this dreadful illness, but for me it is. Today, my sadness, my fear, my dejection, my weakness, my bitterness all exploded in rage. There is absolutely no way on earth either I or anyone else can stop this rage when it flows, but luckily it dissipates almost as quickly as it comes on. Then I am left to survey the damage, offering heartfelt apologies where needed, I never hope they will understand, I know they wont.
Now I am sitting here peacefully, writing this and reflecting. Knowing that this rage will come again, but hoping its not soon. The war wages on.
Serenitea_Total 