Many times I hear people in early recovery ask themselves, or those around them…Am I an Alcoholic? I am going to talk about my own experiences with that very question here.
I was a hard drinker from day one. A blackout drinker from the beginning. My drinking was mostly social, I loved going out, I loved getting ready with a drink, I loved the whole hair, make up, new clothes thing. I loved hitting the pubs and clubs, I loved the music, the ambiance, the scene. As I got older, this love of going out never waned, I worked in many pubs, I loved them. It wasn’t until I got into my 30s did I even consider the fact that my drinking was, or possible could be, harmful to me. I never in a million years would have described myself as alcoholic.
Like so very many, I tried the old ‘moderation’ thing, I tried to stop at 5 pints, or just drink from Wednesday to Sunday, or alternate alcoholic drinks with soft drinks. Not one of those things worked for me and I was now a social AND an at home drinker. I was the kind that never knew when to stop, it was only when I couldn’t pick up the glass did I think to stop for that particular session.
But, I had never been in serious trouble, never injured myself, never been arrested, never lost a job, never lost friends, never had a car accident so I was ok, right? In my mid 30’s I began to suspect that I may have a ‘bit of an issue’ and I tentatively tried AA. I just didn’t get it, and every time I went, I left the building desiring a drink more and more! So eventually I quit going, I mean it was bullshit because I hadn’t stopped drinking all the way through me going anyway. I was fine, and I was NOT an Alcoholic.
Fast forward another 10 years of the same old drudge and dreary daily drinking carry on. It was grinding me down, and I began to once again seriously consider that I may be a ‘problem drinker’ So I decided to get my act together and do a ‘Sober October’ for Macmillan Cancer Charity, and that would without doubt PROVE that I wasn’t Alcoholic. I signed up on the website, enlisted sponsorship from family and friends, who all laughed at me, but I was undeterred because I knew I could do it.
I couldn’t.
I was left feeling humiliated, angry and quite embarrassed that I couldn’t do it. This was the beginning of my REAL investigation into my drinking, but I wasn’t quite at the end of the tunnel. I decided to stop drinking again that Christmas, and lo and behold I was a SUCCESS!! I went all through that Christmas and New year sober, it was a miracle. The first week in January I fell again. I was really angry with myself, and after a good few weeks of self searching, and an honest desire to stop drinking, I went to a local AA meeting in mid February with the absolute determination and impetus to put my heart and soul into it. And I did, I went for it and I had 5 blissful months of feeling free. Then I asked myself the question, whilst looking around the room at these people, who really weren’t like me…
‘Am I an Alcoholic?’
My conclusion was No, I wasn’t. Alcoholics were down and outs, vodka on cornflake types, in rehab, in prisons, law breakers, thieves, outcasts….not like ME who had never so much as had a brush with the law. No I wasn’t an Alcoholic.
It was joyful. I was going to stop labelling myself and wasting time at those stupid meetings, and get back out there and enjoy myself! YAY! It took me one night of blackout drinking to bring me to my knees. I went back to AA.
Is THIS the end of my drinking? I am afraid not. I got myself into the very self same pickle once again a couple of months after that. But that really WAS the last time. I will never forget that last night of drinking, the way it ended, the morning after. Its etched in my mind. That was the day I got down on my knees and surrendered.
I am an Alcoholic.
One sip and the compulsion was ampant, its all I would think about, its all I would plan for. I lived my whole life around drinking…what, when, where and with whom. Yes I had, by the grace of God, escaped a lot of the horrible things Alcoholics run into, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t one. I was heading for a sticky end, either mentally or physically or both.
I am thankful to say that I refused to question it again. I returned to AA, and I was welcomed back with love and compassion and I put every effort into recovery. I still do, every day. I read, I reflect, I try, I help, I surrender…..every day. I know, both in my heart and mind that last night was the last time. I feel it in every ounce of my bones, and whilst I am not complacent, I know I am never looking or going back there.
This is my experience of the question, it cost me quite a lot. These days, even with all the stigma that is still attached to the ‘label’ I don’t question myself, I simply stand up and say to you, to me, to the world….
I am an Alcoholic.
Serenitea_Total 