The Emotional Rollercoaster

We might be the master of our own thoughts, still we are the slaves of our own emotions ~ Anonymous

I have had a humdinger of a few weeks. As I sit down to write this post I still have no idea how to articulate what I am trying to put over.

I have an illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, in essence I simply cannot manage my emotions, and when I get a lot of feelings coming at me all at once I kind of implode! Now, the way I used to deal with this was by drowning and flushing all the emotions away with alcohol, of course when this first began I didn’t consciously know what I was doing, but I knew that it felt better than sitting with these horrendous (normal) feelings.

I am absolutely not alone in this tactic, many alcoholics report being unable to deal with emotions and the trouble is, once we put down the glass they are coming for ya!!

I would love to say nice things like ‘find a sensible outlet for these emotions’ or ‘choose healthy coping strategies’ but I would be a hypocrite because I truly struggle myself and believe me when I say that I, myself would love to ‘choose healthy coping strategies’! *Full packets of hobnobs and binge watching Storage Wars is my current healthy coping strategy.

There is nowhere for me to run now that the booze is gone, nowhere to hide. I have to stand, like a lone warrior, and face it….and I do. But my goodness it gets ugly! There are tears, there are tantrums, there is rage, there is depression, there is pain….but there is no alcohol and there isn’t going to be because I am going to face this NO MATTER WHAT.

For most alcoholics, they will get through these emotions relatively unscathed and then learn to control them, but for me and my old BPD that’s not going to happen and we will have to face this like some manic ‘Groundhog Day’! I am not going to put myself under any illusion that BPD is going anywhere, its not.

One thing I do try to do these days is talk about it, and try to do so without fear of stigma. I feel that’s really important. Here is where I find that the friends I have made in AA and on social media outlets are SO important, as I can vent and say how I feel without fear and without pain, and it really helps. So, if you are reading this….THANK YOU.

I hate rollercoasters, of any variety. They upset me in every aspect of my life, but one thing I do know is that if I even attempt to add any alcohol to the mix, it becomes explosive and it becomes absolutely impossible to deal with. So, I shall continue my endeavour to find the ‘holy grail’ of coping strategies and until then, single handedly keep the share price of chocolate hobnobs at an all time high.